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Five years later. [04 Oct 2010|02:06am]
[ mood | happy ]

I can't believe I haven't been here in five years. Then again, I haven't really blogged in five years either.

I went digging around in this journal searching for information and I found some and more than I intended to find. I pretty much went ahead and read the entire blog. There was a point where people left comments that pissed me off, and I remember being pissed off at them and I remember the reason for my defensive-ness and I remember that feeling of being trapped. Of having to put up this front in front of our mutual friends because anything other than being "happy" would be considered "talking shit". And yes, I agree, I was whiny. I was an idiot. And everyone was right and I'm sorry. I don't know why I feel the need to say this now, but I just do.

I also found a ton of entries that mentioned Martin and all the silly crazy things he did that just irritated me. And it's just crazy to think that was years ago. And it's crazy to think that he's sitting next to me right now and we're both wearing wedding rings on our left hand. We got engaged a year and three days ago. And we got married almost a year ago. I can not believe that 1) I'm married and 2) I'm married to Martin. It still baffles my mind sometimes. But almost a year of marriage and we get along great! Not big huge arguments just yet. Besides the typical quit-stealing-my-blanket while we're sleeping. Or basically besides the fights we have with each other while we're sleeping lol! But things are good, being married isn't any different than not being married to be honest.

I finally found a major that I'm okay with sticking to til the end. I decided to take my masters in something similar but different, something that I guess should had been obvious all along but I just now started to consider. This passed year as been one of the best so far. I've met some amazing and supportive people that just spew inspiration and positivity. I've taken risks I never thought I would had the guts to take (like an audition.. on a stage.. in a theater...) and I've worked harder to chase my dreams than ever. I've been talking with various publishing companies and various amazing authors. I just recently got back in touch with music, and I realize how much I've missed it.

I'm completely different from the girl I was when this blog started. I'm happier, I'm much more positive and even though some situations haven't changed much, I'm fine with that. CJ and I are still really good friends, and reading this blog made me re-think that for a split second lol. I kind of forgot just how much of a jerk he was, but he's been apologizing for it for the last few years haha! I don't really keep in touch with any other exes, we just grew apart I guess. Sometimes exes should just stay that -- exes.

I'm just another girl who's looking for her next adventure and enjoying life as it passes through.

back the fuck off

WTF are YOU doin here?! [18 Dec 2005|03:11pm]
[ mood | cold ]

Whoaa I havent been up in here foreverrrr! I have this thing to switching back to old journal's.. I dont know why.. not feelin the new ones I guess... but yeah I decided to switch back to this one cause it holds so many good & bad memories... I just hate the name... but you know, who cares. Anyway, I havent got much to update on... except I'm suppose to be making cheesecake right now & Martin kinda pissed me off.. whats with guys & video games? I guess I'll never really understand. Oh well, whatever! It started raining again... it was hella fuckin windy last night... scary. But yeah, hopefully tomorrow wont be so bad... hopefully.

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blah [10 Jul 2005|01:46pm]
[ mood | sad ]

i'm sore, sick & i have heaps of homework to do which i keep putting off cause i feel like CRAP.


totally forgot what else i was going to write... go me.

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mMm love <3 [26 Jun 2005|01:13pm]
[ mood | tired ]

you know its love when you leave the bathroom door unlocked when you take a shit & your boyfriend walks in like you're not shitting & kisses you.




I could go for some cookie dough ice cream right now for some reason... mMm..

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uhmmm yah hi *waves haha [13 May 2005|02:48am]
[ mood | okay ]

so i'm thinking of changing this lj a bit & by that i mean..... well, you'll see ;)

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get it on the floor.. she UH OHHHHH! [10 Mar 2005|03:39pm]
[ mood | happy ]

HIYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEE!!! Today is such a beautiful day!!! I'm chillen at my hubby's with his fast comp & DSL.. grrr.. I'm tryin to buy time MUHAHA. anyway, life's been.... life. What can I say? Shitty but alright, meh works out I guess.. people still suck though.. anyway... yah.. I feel like dancing hahaha wheee!


I LOVE MY BOO!

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surpised im here? i am.. [11 Feb 2005|01:31pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

i got my webpage up..
http://mahal.girl-gone-wild.org

new LJ.. well not new new but whatever..
www.livejournal.com/~ily_always


who knows whens the next time i'll be here...

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a day in the city with my hubby <3 [29 Sep 2004|11:51am]
[ mood | loved ]

my dad has his anniversary date engraved in his ring sept 28, 1970 yesterday was their 26th wedding anniversary, but would it still be happy if neither of them has remembered their own anniversary for the passed 19 years? i feel bad for my dad at times because my mom doesnt care about her own anniversary, but i'm sure he does... but there's not much he can do.. happy anniversary mom & dad..

yesterday was one of the best days i've had in a few months now. i picked up martin and he gave me a burrito for breakfast, aww thanx babe<3 and we caught the 9AM ferry to frisko.. after i bought my sparkling cider lol. my dad was like "what if your uncle isnt there?" and i was like "uhm, isnt that him over there?" haha. stupid. so i said whassup to my uncle and he was talking to my dad too and they were talking about how my cousin James got married & my uncle bill was like "yah hazel should have went, she would had learned something.... that you have to say 'i do'" har har lol so i got on the ferry.. my uncle's cool though, even if he does make fun of me.. all the time.. lol.

my baby was being super lovey dovey all morning.. talkin about how much he loves me and how he dreams & daydreams about holding me all the time cause it feels good and how he went to sleep happy the night before thinking about me. heh its amazing, pretty much nine months later and we're still hella in love =)

we got to the city, i said bye to my uncle and he was like "you know, your dad tells me you're engaged.. are you?" and i was like "BYE UNCLE!" and left haha. we didnt really know where to go, so we just walked.. i went to citibank to check my account.. and found nothing useful.. so i have to find my citibank code & call the company again. oh well, we got some good candy out of it lol. we walked to this other spiffy candy store & babe let me buy some candy =) then to this book store.. and we kept walking til we hit virgin records. the walk wasnt that far. it was kinda nice too, since it was cold outside.

i took him to union square and we stopped at the chocolate store ( and about all the other ones in the city lol ) got the caramel filled sample mmM. and went into a few christmas stores, looked around.. then i took him to Cheesecake Factory & talked him into letting us eat lunch there =) we went to the big ass Disney store and i took him to Pan Pacific Hotel.. where i had prom, gross. then we went to eat at the resturant.. we ate outside dispite the birds.. and i got a strawberry shortcake =) my babe's the best.

thennnn... we went to macy's and martin had this great idea to let M.A.C put make up on me.. so i got my eyes did and the girl was all asking me why dont i wear makeup & how long have me & martin been together.. i liked it, makes me wanna wear makeup lol. then i got my lips done and we went to Metreon to take some webcam pics heh. after that we laid on the grass in the yerbu buena garden.. the sun was coming out so that was really nice too.

uhmm.. then we caught the F and went to peir 39. we went to gap first, then ended up walking down the street.. and we bought a black n mild .. vanilla cherry flavored and walked back to the peir where i usually watch the sunset on the steps behind the arcade and we smoked it. it wasnt that good, shoulda went for the vanilla instead... went to the candy store and didnt buy anything blah. lol. played ddr, walked around.. then we ate dinner.. clam chowder and wrezel's pretzel's with cheese mMm. we always end a day in frisko off like that <3

we walked around for a bit and my baby stole me some candy haha but it wasnt the kind i liked so i ate his haha. and was just walked around.. then back to the peir, bought another cup of clam chowder and waited for the ferry. man, on the ferry there were these old people hella watching us.. wtheck? irritating! then i dropped him off and went home and ended up falling asleep while talking to him since i was really tired.. and yeah, that was my day =)

now today, sucks. lol. really. but i'm sure none of you care about how much my life sucks, so yeah.

webcam fun @ the metreonCollapse )

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yay fixed [22 Aug 2004|07:48pm]
[ mood | lazy ]

I fixed the bg for this.. I got tired of knowing it was a broken image. I fixed up Martin's xanga too because of "broken images". I needa pee, I'm bored, I'm lazy.. I ran into some old school pictures .. memories .. yea okay I'ma play Sims Busting Out now.. Martin's gonna take our PS2 away when he comes back ;(


the banner of us I made for my xanga lol



more PiCTURES from the passed week or so..Collapse )
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something else i wrote, kinda incomplete, but i'm sleepy [01 Aug 2004|02:58pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

Gah, the more I read this book, the more inspired I get to write. It's awesome. Well, HAPPY BiRTHDAY MOM. Spend the morning falling in and out of sleep, in church. Whoops ;]

This book... would satisfy a hopeless romantic's soul, just as much as it would for someone who's deeply in love. Maybe that's why I'm so addicted to it, maybe that's why it's so hard for me to put down. But I'm nearing the end of this beautiful love story, and it kinda makes me sad. Lol. What a way to kill a good thing going.

Anyway, as I read on and read how much in love this guy was with this girl for so many years... it's sort of like I can feel it as well. I mean of course I can feel it, it's a story. But I feel it beyond just feeling it. Like this story could be very similar to that of me and Martin's.

-------------------------------------

Being the girl I am, I thought I was in love millions of times in my nineteen years of existence. And a few times I could have sworn I was truely in love, but at the same time knowing I was too young to know what I was talking about. As years passed and as I lost my first love of course I thought no one could amount up to him, that there was no way in the world I could ever forget him or allow myself to forget the love we shared.. but as I got older, I began to forget. I began to re-think our whole relationship and how it didn't seem any different from anyone else's, that there wasn't exactly anything different that stood out... I suppose at that point of my life, I thought it was love because I wanted it so bad to be. I never kept in mind that I was sixteen and he was fifteen. Now looking back on it, age did have a lot to do with it. Hardly you'll find a relationship start from that young and end up to where I am now, at nineteen. And as time went on, I wanted to forget. I didn't want to remember the "good times" of a foolish young girl who thought that this barely a man was in love with her as "she was with him". So at eighteen I can finally say I successfully let him along with our memories, promises and plans of a future together go. I even let go of the promise he made to me of being best friends after breaking up, because for a few years he was hardly that.

I do regret saying the words "i love you" to guys so my make believe fantasy of a true love come true would be real. I know before I use to try to refresh the feelings of past relationships, to compare one with the other. To see which ones meant more to me. And I thought I had it all figured out, I thought I knew the answer to my childish questions of love.

As many times as I've let the world know that I was sick of males, I found myself in meaningless relationship. Maybe it was because I needed something stable in my life to run to for comfort, for hugs and kisses. I can honestly say the majority of my relationships were meaningless. And at the age of eighteen, I hit the brink of it all. I got myself involved with the wrong guy and after I finally freed myself from him... I couldn't bring myself to ever find myself happy in love or could even bear the thought of making love to someone. I lost all hope in happiness within love, I lost all hope in a true love.

Until a friend of mine... changed all that around. It's crazy, the friendship that Martin and I once shared not to long ago was nowhere near ending up where we are now. I remember almost everything from the day I first saw him, to the day he first said anything to me, to our first hug, our first kiss.. up until now. Every memory made with him is one to be cherished.

So the more I read in this book of a man who spills his heart in making the reader fully understand how much he loved this woman inspires me to write this. I'm not very good in taking what I feel inside and fitting them into words, but I can't really say "I'm not very good" until I try, right?

Never in my life have I ever had someone's hug put me in a daze. Its like with every embrace the blood in my vains warm up, my body feel's something completely different and completely new from anything I've ever remembered. I feel safe, cherished, and most of all loved. Loved more then words, more then gazing into eachothers eyes could ever explain. Who knew a hug could make someone feel all this? I sure didn't. I feel everything from "I don't ever want to let you go" to "don't worry about anything, I'm here to keep you safe from harm and I'll always be here". I can't help but smile or giggle after every hug. Ten months later, it still has this effect on me.

With every kiss, is an experience. Feeling his soft lips pressed up against mine has never failed to make me smile ( I mean I'm smiling right now just thinking about it! ). I feel his soul reach out and touch mine, whispering words of comfort and security. Easing it of all its worries, pains and insecurities ( why am I crying?! ). And when he gently places his hand on my face I feel like I'm lost in a whole different world.

More then anything I love taking naps with him. I love the way his arms feel around me as I drift away to sleep. The warmth of his body close to mine makes me feel at home. His strong arms wrapped around my small body, protecting me even from bad dreams. As long as he's there I know nothing can harm me. I often wonder, just like he does why does it feel so good to be laying next to you. It's amazing, how intense the feeling is and how it makes you want to do nothing but close your eyes and inhale it all in. Indulge in every second you can.. because you know this is a once in a lifetime feeling. Waking up next to him and staring at him as he stares back into my eyes brings me to another place, a place of nothing but happiness, passion and love. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else in the world and I wouldn't trade this feeling for anything else. Nothing and no one in the world could ever compare to this.

I've never met anyone like Martin before. Someone who's all about nothing but having fun. Laughing days, weeks, months away.. someone I could completely be myself around. He shares so many different things with me that it's nothing less then amazing. He literally brings out the best in me, he's so patient with me...

He's taught me so much these passed few months... hes taught me more about myself, about falling in love, about being in love and about friendship is all about. He's showed me to not fight things people do that's "for your own good" because it usually is. And although I have to others, I know he wouldn't do anything to hurt me. He's taught me a lot about patience, a lot about letting go and trusting someone and about cutting down on things I should really have stopped doing a long time ago ( like spending money on things I don't need ).

It's hard to find someone who's "perfect" and fits everything listed on your "my perfect boyfriend would be...." list. But in all complete honesty, Martin fits them. Perfectly. Yeah I know no ones perfect but he's so close to it, its scary. He's more then just my boyfriend he's literally my bestfriend as well. My comfort, my happiness, my partner in crime, my reason to live. He's understanding, playful, funny, caring and more loving then anyone I've ever met. He's honestly a dream come true.

I consider myself very lucky everyday to be able to be blessed with his presence, lucky & blessed to be loved and cared for by him.. blessed to finally meet the someone who appreciates me & loves me for me. It's crazy, all the time I spent in class daydreaming and writing about how I wondered if anyone out there thought I was different, if anyone out there thought that I'd change their life... and all that time, the guy I was deaming about, waiting for and wishing for was behind me... sleeping ( and drooling ) in the very same class. The guy I use to draw flowers on and write stuff like "Hazel's cool" and constantly bother while he was sleeping in class is the guy I dreamed all my life about. Wow, amazing isn't it?

So when I think back to past relationships, I can't. Because I know, without a doubt that none of the relationships I've ever involved myself in could ever compare to what I have now. No one in the world could replace Martin, no one in the world could ever amount up to him and no one in this world could ever take his place. He's captured more then just my heart, more then just my soul.. he's captured all of me. Every single last bit of me. And I have no regrets. My heart, my soul, my body and myself belongs to him. That's the way it should me and that's the way it will always be....

Hazel: why do you put up with me?
Martin: I don't put up with her, I'm being there for her.

back the fuck off

from seventeen to eighteen.. [31 Jul 2004|10:04pm]
I was inspired to write from reading "The Notebook". Because just like how she stopped painting, I stopped writing.. but unlike her, a blank sheet of paper is my canvas. So heres what I came up with....

a chapter in my life...Collapse )
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i'm a happy babe =) [29 Jul 2004|11:25pm]
[ mood | loved ]

I had an awesome conversation with my boyfriend last night. Happy times =D it would have been even more awesome if his phone wasnt dying & we could have talked for longer, but its okay. It was one of those conversations that make me smile after we hang up & I go to sleep smiling like how it use to be. It was a really nice feeling.

Today I woke up at like noon. Late, I know. And my dad left to go fix the tire for the car since you know, I crashed into the curb earlier this month. But he still has to get the tire aligned. Geez, did I really fuck it up that bad? Anyway, I took a shower, ate and got ready to go to Martin's house around 3:30. I got there, opened the door & let myself in lol. No one cared. Awesome. His cousin was on the couch & Marissa showed me what she got him for his bday, his mom spotted me and was like "Hazel, come here". I went to the room where Martin was playing Diablo and his mom was with the baby cause she was sleeping. Ahh felt so good to be with him again. Smiles & shyness haha. Three days and it feels like brand new?! =)

We watched Hellboy which is a pretty funny movie.. chilled online & watched tv. Had tons of babe time, ate dinner which was Popeyes =D and his dad was all like "why are you eating on top of the bag?" and I was like, feeling stupid haha. Then we went to watch more tv. I watched midnight love & they have dope songs on there now.. watched Daria, Comic View.. I love direct tv, I wish I had it haha. I should go to his house more often to watch tv haha.

He was all telling me how fine I look when I smile & how he wonders why he's with me. Psh please, I'm not THAT pretty lol. I always wonder why I'm with him; Mr. I've got so much game I game a girl with just say hi. Except you know, he's telling the truth lol. Kinda scary sometimes.. anyway, and he was just being all sweet to me & stuff. Gah I love him so much & I missed being with him.. and he was telling me how much he missed me.. =)

I think I'm bleach my hair at his house tomorrow. Yay for black, red & purple hair lol. Its gonna be awesome. Well I gotta go call my baby now & finish my apple dippers ♥

Martin I wouldnt mind spending every day, waiting in the rain with my babe
Hazel *giggles*
Martin aww, you don't like my songie

while singing along to Maroon 5's "she will be loved" on MTV =P

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early update. [10 Jul 2004|08:57am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

I'm sittin here listening to Fefe Dobson.. it sucks I can't bring myself to like her much since she like dedicated one of her songs to MY boyfriend. I seem to dispise everything she likes if its something I start liking. Ugh, I need to stop doing that. Anyway I'm previewing a bunch of songs off Windows Media Player even though the quality is shitty. It takes a good second to download. I wish I had DSL.

Its 8:59AM I was suppose to DL some songs & go back to sleep.. but I think I'm pretty awake now, which sucks cause I'll be sleepy later while the boyfriend plays Diablo & I'm bored as fuck.

I wanna chill with my homegirls. I'm getting so tired of being in this house! I've been here all week because of my wisdom teeth. I need to practice driving, my driving test is coming up soon... hopefully I pass this time oh I hope I hope I hope.

I'm not sure if I got fired or if I quit my job yesterday. It sucks working for Filipinos they don't ever let you quit & when you finally do they make it look like they fired you. How dumbfuck like of them. So she said something about they got someone else to work my position not sure if its foreal or for training but she said that all the managers agreed to it since I couldnt "handle the load and I wasn't fast enough" well hellloooooooo you try making 20 halo halo's, 15 buko pandan's and 10 shakes ALL AT THE SAME TIME with everyone bitchin about they want their shit now kinda drives you insane after a while. Fuck filipinos. Fags. I'm not being racist. I'm filipino myself. Unfortunatly.

*Drops head on desk* God my life is such a mess right. When do things get to the smooth sailing part?

back the fuck off

i really need to fix my sleeping pattern.. [09 Jul 2004|10:23am]
[ mood | blah ]

You know the question "I wonder what I was doing today last year" always pops into my head, but you know.. for the next few months I know exactly what was going on that day last year. I was stuck in a horrible relationship that made me miserable day after day until it finally ended. Nothing but crying and bad arguements between me and my so called boyfriend. He might as well just had beat me while he was at it. Geez. Now thanks to you I'm fuckin tramatized about certain things in relationships & I think everyone has a secret layer of psychoness. Yah happy Jeff? You fucked it all up for me. You fuckin faggot. Why don't you just take a nice long stroll down Castro and get it up the ass since you like that shit you fuckin queershit.

*Breathes* I really need to calm down sometimes.


In other news this LJ needs a serious makeover. I haven't touched this shit in damn near a year. I guess I'm just a bit lazy mixed in with a lil layout block. I'm tired of the usual style I've been using since back in my DJ days. But I'm not really up for tweakin codes & discovering new things at the moment. My poor little brain can't take it on days I don't get enough sleep.

I need to stop sleeping at 3AM & waking up at 8 to take meds. Geez. But I hate sleeping early if I don't have to. Whoo, whatever shall I do? Woe is me ha-ha

I'm a bit bitter towards life because of my dearest mother, oh how parents can be so mean. But hey, no sense in bitchin about it.. that's just how the cookie crumbles.

Now I'm off to do better things & chop it up with my boyfriend's uncle since I've got a lot of questions to ask him LOL.
2 tears shed so back the fuck off

quick update.. [05 Jul 2004|07:01pm]
[ mood | hungry ]

Meh, what's with all these quick once every four months updates? Okay anyway, happy six months to me & Martin yay!! Okay bye for now =)

back the fuck off

sup homie g funk cuddie ...WHAT IS IT!! =) [11 May 2004|10:40pm]
[ mood | loved ]

dang, long time no update. no i didn't forget about this place.. sometimes i wish i never stopped writing in this journal just because someone didnt like the meaning behind this username. blah. i shoulda just lied & said it meant something else.. gosh the stupid mistakes i made those horrible six months. OKAY ON TO HAPPIER THOUGHTS!

what's been going on with me lately?

- I graduated early, now I'm just waiting for graduation which is around the corner *ahhh* Marty's mom is making me wear a dress cause they plan to take us somewhere nice after grad, its coo cause HE has to dress nice too so HA!

- I got a new job :) it might not be the BEST job ever, and half the time I might hate it.. but MOST of my co-workers are awesome, I get paid $7 / hour, and I'm not really doin shit.. downside is that I work about 8 hours a day.. but I only work sat & sun.. plus I pull in about $200 a pay check.. plus shared tips =) hi my name's Hazel and I serve ice cream for a living haha I crack myself up!

- I'm engaged since yesterday :) I couldnt be any HAPPiER. Foreal foreal. Apperently its up to me to plan the whole wedding as well, and yes I proposed to him cause we made a deal, since he asked me out I had to propose its only fair lol yah we're weird so what?! But he's gonna propose back to me too like he said "if i gotta wear a ring, so do you!" fine with me :)

- life's been pretty good, i've been getting closer & closer to Marty's family since I go down there everyday after work to get foot massages, relax time, change into Marty's big clothes and watch tv with my baby in my arms.. Marissa calls me Ate LOL cute.

- my family drives me crazy sometimes. my dad still pisses me off over small shit, my mom's slowly letting me do what i want.. slow & steedy wins the race.. lol

i dunno what else has been going on, that's pretty much it.. my other LJ's gonna expire soon.. poop. then again its been paid for the passed six months. hmm.. I'm thinking of getting DSL soon, and maybe pay for another paid LJ account.. I dont really feel like staying with that one, but there's too many entries I cant just transfer.. they really should allow you to do that though. BLEH!

2 tears shed so back the fuck off

my baby's the best :) [23 Mar 2004|08:38am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

Yesterday was pretty okay. My baby helped my mommie do laundry when she left to bring her car to the shop cause I didn't know how to do the laundry.. he always helps with the laundry o_O lol. He helped me re-make my bed cause my mommie decided to change my sheets =) my baby's the BEST. I got kinda mad at him when I was doing my report cause we were talking about it and its about abortion.. its like one of the things we don't really agree on.. so I got kinda mad.. but I gave in later & gave him a hug.. I don't like being mad at him, he's too dope to be mad at... we ate dinner together & watched 8 Mile, it was dope =) then we played the "poopie head" game in the car.. I don't like this game =( I dont really remember our phone conversation.. I remember he yelled at me.. but I dunno, I understand why..

Ray cancelled on me today *waahhh* its coo, there's always next time I guess. *Shrug* I just kinda miss him & Jon. And of course Joey too. Ryan was talking to me about how he misses chillen with his friends on the weekends.. I know what he means but I guess I spent so much time dwelling on it that I don't even care anymore. Yeah I miss TBD, yeah I miss the chill days with Mae, yeah I miss chillen with MOD... but we all grew up, we all got other shit to do and deal with. And when the chance comes to kick it, most of the time the people don't want to. Its crazy.. but that's just life.. its crazy..

Fuck, I don't feel like going to school today.

back the fuck off

we were meant to live for so much more [20 Mar 2004|11:45pm]
[ mood | loved ]

boys treat girls like toys... men treat women like queens
and I gotta man!
- hazel






Yeah I came up with that quote a few days ago. I have no idea why or how, but it just popped into my head.. anyway today was kinda unexpected.. I woke up & talked to my baby, took a shower and called him back and it was hella weird cause I was thinkin about what would happen if me & Martin broke up.. and he was talkin bout "its pretty dope cause I know if we did break up not only would we be friends, but most likely we'll get back together" and that's what I was thinking too. But yeah then he had to go to his training thing so I thought I was gonna spend the day alone.. I chilled with my bro for a lil bit, went online and took a nap.. and woke up feelin pretty good, not shitty dispite it was hot when I woke up.. right when I woke up I heard the doorbell ring & I was all thinkin that would be dope if it was Martin but I had a feeling it wasnt, I looked to see who it was anyway since no one else was answering the door. Then again it was just me & my bro at home.. and it was my baby.. that was weird..





I opened the door and kinda just stared at him.. half cause he looked hella fine and half cause I was still trying to figure out how he got there.. and I was like "what are you doing here?" and he was all saying that the training was at the Holiday Inn which is kinda down the street & around the corner from me but its kinda far.. and you have to pass though the crest so I was like o_O you walked thru the crest lookin like that? We chilled for a while.. he took a nap while holding me, damn it felt good.. and he told me about some chick who was jockin him.. I was like "why didnt you go talk to her?" and he looks at me like I'm dumb and hes like "cause I'm in love.. and devoted.. I couldn't even talk to another girl" I'm like *blush* heh. I feel uber special :D





We sat there eating swedish fish candy and he finally took it away from me and asked me to come with him to go make something to eat. Man.. clam chowder & rice taste soo good!! He was hella feeding it to me hehe. Then we just chilled some more, talked and stuff.. I like chillen with him.. its relaxing, seriously. Talked about personal shit.. and he was all like "you learn something new everyday... like how much your boyfriend loves you" :) hes so dope. He was all asking "dont you ever wonder if there's someone who'd accept you for everything?" and I was like "yea, all the time" oh yea, ALL the time.. and I found that person.. man life couldn't be any more perfect.. okay so there's still that car and job thing.. but yeah, you feel me.. you know you do!!





Anyway, my baby just called so I gotta bounce... peaceasy :)

back the fuck off

missin the easy bay ... *sigh [20 Mar 2004|01:39pm]
[ mood | happy ]

yesterday was pretty... okay... we picked up Martin around like 10ish, came back here, grabbed the CD player & a CD then left for San Jose with my mom, dad, brother & Martin. I fell asleep on him on the way there.. we got to out tax ladie's house and my bro was playing 98.1 old school.. him & his old school.. and Martin freakin ripped off a pimple and it started bleeding.. freakin weirdo. Then we left to The Great Mall and went to eat. He started irritating me cause he was talkin bout watching "Dawn of the Dead" again. I dunno man, I hate scary movies but he's inisting that I watch this with him and get over my fear. Yeah, good luck with that thought. So he asked for a hug cause I was getting mad.. grrr he knows huggies make everything better.. cheater. Walked around, The Great Mall isnt as big as I use to think it was.. anyway we went into Aftershock & they had HELLA happy bunny stuff.. omg.. they had pillows, hella magnets, stuffed animals, backpacks, purses... and they had that "boys are smelly" stuffed animal and this new thing that's a crab and it says "i am shellfish" its soo cute. I was trippin out haha. Martin's all like "no, put the pillow down.. its gonna replace my monkey!" yeah right, nothing's replacing the monkey ♥ we were playing with those sex dice too I came up with "tease ear" and he came up with "touch breasts" those dice suck haha. Then we went into Hot Topic. They didnt have as much as they did last time I was there.. they had a comic book of Squee.. this one comic my friend Adam would always talk about. Squee's cute but I think its one of those deranged comics.. never actually read it. They had thongs, at hot topic.. and these dope steel toe boots haha. Then we went to Vans Skatepark & played DDR.. I hella forgot what was on fifth mix so I was kinda like "ahhhh okay we'll just play this I guess" five songs for a dollar.. swwweeeeet!! Okay anyway he survived longer then me in "if you were here" then we failed haha damn. Looked at the skateboards.. then went to.. another store, I forgot. Went to Linens N Things and I grabbed a duckie outta the basket... and the basket along with a few boxes under it fell and Martin was lookin at it and he hella just "SPILL ON ISAL SEVEN" haha but helped me pick it up and we played hoops with the duckies. I said something and he ran away from me so I ran after him and he was like "ok ok gimmie a hug" and I had a feeling he was gonna do something dumb but I couldnt see anything he'd do except move out the way and make me crash into the wall so I go give him a hug and right before I do he swats me in the head with a pillow from behind him and runs and I'm standing there all confused and shocked but laughing then he runs back and give a tight hug and tells me he loves me haha damn my baby's the damn dopeest. Found this soft ass display bed and he hella picked me up and threw me on it.. I hella sunk into the bed haha it was fuckin dope.

We left and went to Q-cup on the way home (FINALLY!! its been eight LONG months) and I got Peach milk tea which was hella fuckin good + q pop chicken.. best chicken in the world. And these two chicks were I guess lookin at Martin and he hella pulled me to him and gave a kiss haha okay? He shoulda holla'd at them =P yeah I'm weird. We were matching on accident too, it was funky. I had a dark blue tanktop & he had a dark blue wifebeater and we both had windbreakers with a white stripe down the middle.. but he had a black/yellow/gray shirt & I had a white one. But still haha crazy. He fell asleep on the way home, and I texted Joey cause I dunno. I was thinkin about the last time I went to Q - cup with him, Jon & Ray.. I miss those guys..

I got home & my mom was like "who's ray & jon?" and I was like "why?" and she was like "I found this on the door" and they fuckin wrote me a letter haha I felt sooo loved!! They're dorks.. haha Jon's all askin about his shirt and Ray's all like "I come visit you and you're not home" and at the bottom it goes "we love ya!!" haha you guys are uber cool. So I go to my room & find my boyfriend lookin like he's about to die laying in my bed cause it was hella hot.. poor baby. I go around lookin for Ray's cell number and finally get it from Nado haha. So I call Ray but he's about to leave & go home soon so he asked if I was doin nething tuesday. But yeah.. then I chilled with my boyfriend and stuff.

I was feelin dizzy cause I guess of the heat.. but it wasnt that sick dizzy, it was like everytime I closed my eyes or looked down. So I laid down cause my baby told me to so I'd feel better & we were just talkin about hella random stuff.. its dope how it doesnt bother him that I bitch about Jeff.. I dunno, it pisses me off when I think back to that time in my life. And how crazy it was that last year I always wrote in my journal talkin bout "I wonder if anyone out there thinks I'm different.. I wonder if anyone out there would accpet me for EVERYTHiNG I am" and Martin was there, sitting behind me sleeping in class while I was writing all that.. and I'd look behind me and watch him sleep for a minute and continue writing.. then try to find some dumb way to wake him up. Its just hella crazy. Then he shaved my legs haha yeah! Cause I shave them downwards and he was all talkin bout you can shave them upwards and I was like "nahuh" so he did, yeah I'd rather him do it cause I trust him, and if he slipped and accidently cut me then I wouldnt care. So he shaved my legs for me and they were HELLA smooth omg they were smooth. Felt like the first time I ever shaved.. ever. It was dope. He laid with me and gave me huggies cause I wasn't feeling good.. I swear my baby's so dope

We were talkin bout how if one of us died that would so gay cause we both know there's no one as dope as we are out there.. then my dog starts barking at nothing for no reason.. so we get up and I'm like looking where he's barking and there's nothing there.. there was no one outside.. I bent down to pet Jayzee and got hella dizzy so I went back to my room and laid down. Martin was all like "I know why he was barking" and I was like "why?" and he was like "I'm not telling you" and I was like "he seen a ghost" and Martin just stared at me. I thought dogs bark at ghosts just in general but I guess they just bark and bad spirits. Cause there's only one ghost I know that could be walking around this house which is my grandpa that lived with us, but I'm sure my dog never barked at him. I dunno, I got kinda scared to walk outside later that night.

I came home after dropping Martin off at 9:30, which was dope cause my mom hella extended our time by an hour and Martin hella wanted to leave on time so my mom would give us more 9:30's. Thats another thing I love about him, he respects what my mom says.. he respects my friends, he respects my bro.. its dope :) I love his mentality too.. but yea I fell asleep at 11 cause I felt like shit and woke up at 3AM and he didnt call.. weird.. but yeah.. he has training to go to today.. so yeah.. I guess I'm not gonna see him today :\ its okay though.. I need clean my room & finish my report.. yepp.. cyaaa

the things I love about my boyfriend ♥Collapse )

back the fuck off

would i be out of line if i said i miss you? [15 Mar 2004|08:16am]
[ mood | awake ]

i've had this journal for so long, its a shame i dont update it anymore :( i remember i stopped updating this one & made my new one cause my dumb exboyfriend didn't like my username since it had something to do with my "first love". i wonder the same thing Martin ask's me everytime I bitch about Jeff "why'd you stay with someone for so long if they made you unhappy?" I don't know how I did it, or why.. I guess I was more scared then anything. Scared he'd kill me, he'd kill himself & I'd have to live with the guilt that it was my fault he died. It was a crazy six months.. crazy in a horrible way. Maybe if I push it to the back of my mind long enough, the whole thing will be forgotten.. that'd be great :)

I've been trippin out lately.. for some reason it pisses me off when Martin plays Smash around me. I mean it didn't use to bother me, I dunno why lately it has.. I guess because I'm craving more attention from him now then I did before. It sucks how the harder you fall in love, the more you expect from them. Its bad for your health to expect. I don't wanna up and leave everytime he decides to play Smash with his boys hella pissed off. I want shit to be the way they use to be when everything was a joke, when we thought we'd never get mad at eachother.. when things were PERFECT. ::sigh::

back the fuck off

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