Gah, the more I read this book, the more inspired I get to write. It's awesome. Well, HAPPY BiRTHDAY MOM. Spend the morning falling in and out of sleep, in church. Whoops ;]
This book... would satisfy a hopeless romantic's soul, just as much as it would for someone who's deeply in love. Maybe that's why I'm so addicted to it, maybe that's why it's so hard for me to put down. But I'm nearing the end of this beautiful love story, and it kinda makes me sad. Lol. What a way to kill a good thing going.
Anyway, as I read on and read how much in love this guy was with this girl for so many years... it's sort of like I can feel it as well. I mean of course I can feel it, it's a story. But I feel it beyond just feeling it. Like this story could be very similar to that of me and Martin's.
Being the girl I am, I thought I was in love millions of times in my nineteen years of existence. And a few times I could have sworn I was truely in love, but at the same time knowing I was too young to know what I was talking about. As years passed and as I lost my first love of course I thought no one could amount up to him, that there was no way in the world I could ever forget him or allow myself to forget the love we shared.. but as I got older, I began to forget. I began to re-think our whole relationship and how it didn't seem any different from anyone else's, that there wasn't exactly anything different that stood out... I suppose at that point of my life, I thought it was love because I wanted it so bad to be. I never kept in mind that I was sixteen and he was fifteen. Now looking back on it, age did have a lot to do with it. Hardly you'll find a relationship start from that young and end up to where I am now, at nineteen. And as time went on, I wanted to forget. I didn't want to remember the "good times" of a foolish young girl who thought that this barely a man was in love with her as "she was with him". So at eighteen I can finally say I successfully let him along with our memories, promises and plans of a future together go. I even let go of the promise he made to me of being best friends after breaking up, because for a few years he was hardly that.
I do regret saying the words "i love you" to guys so my make believe fantasy of a true love come true would be real. I know before I use to try to refresh the feelings of past relationships, to compare one with the other. To see which ones meant more to me. And I thought I had it all figured out, I thought I knew the answer to my childish questions of love.
As many times as I've let the world know that I was sick of males, I found myself in meaningless relationship. Maybe it was because I needed something stable in my life to run to for comfort, for hugs and kisses. I can honestly say the majority of my relationships were meaningless. And at the age of eighteen, I hit the brink of it all. I got myself involved with the wrong guy and after I finally freed myself from him... I couldn't bring myself to ever find myself happy in love or could even bear the thought of making love to someone. I lost all hope in happiness within love, I lost all hope in a true love.
Until a friend of mine... changed all that around. It's crazy, the friendship that Martin and I once shared not to long ago was nowhere near ending up where we are now. I remember almost everything from the day I first saw him, to the day he first said anything to me, to our first hug, our first kiss.. up until now. Every memory made with him is one to be cherished.
So the more I read in this book of a man who spills his heart in making the reader fully understand how much he loved this woman inspires me to write this. I'm not very good in taking what I feel inside and fitting them into words, but I can't really say "I'm not very good" until I try, right?
Never in my life have I ever had someone's hug put me in a daze. Its like with every embrace the blood in my vains warm up, my body feel's something completely different and completely new from anything I've ever remembered. I feel safe, cherished, and most of all loved. Loved more then words, more then gazing into eachothers eyes could ever explain. Who knew a hug could make someone feel all this? I sure didn't. I feel everything from "I don't ever want to let you go" to "don't worry about anything, I'm here to keep you safe from harm and I'll always be here". I can't help but smile or giggle after every hug. Ten months later, it still has this effect on me.
With every kiss, is an experience. Feeling his soft lips pressed up against mine has never failed to make me smile ( I mean I'm smiling right now just thinking about it! ). I feel his soul reach out and touch mine, whispering words of comfort and security. Easing it of all its worries, pains and insecurities ( why am I crying?! ). And when he gently places his hand on my face I feel like I'm lost in a whole different world.
More then anything I love taking naps with him. I love the way his arms feel around me as I drift away to sleep. The warmth of his body close to mine makes me feel at home. His strong arms wrapped around my small body, protecting me even from bad dreams. As long as he's there I know nothing can harm me. I often wonder, just like he does why does it feel so good to be laying next to you. It's amazing, how intense the feeling is and how it makes you want to do nothing but close your eyes and inhale it all in. Indulge in every second you can.. because you know this is a once in a lifetime feeling. Waking up next to him and staring at him as he stares back into my eyes brings me to another place, a place of nothing but happiness, passion and love. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else in the world and I wouldn't trade this feeling for anything else. Nothing and no one in the world could ever compare to this.
I've never met anyone like Martin before. Someone who's all about nothing but having fun. Laughing days, weeks, months away.. someone I could completely be myself around. He shares so many different things with me that it's nothing less then amazing. He literally brings out the best in me, he's so patient with me...
He's taught me so much these passed few months... hes taught me more about myself, about falling in love, about being in love and about friendship is all about. He's showed me to not fight things people do that's "for your own good" because it usually is. And although I have to others, I know he wouldn't do anything to hurt me. He's taught me a lot about patience, a lot about letting go and trusting someone and about cutting down on things I should really have stopped doing a long time ago ( like spending money on things I don't need ).
It's hard to find someone who's "perfect" and fits everything listed on your "my perfect boyfriend would be...." list. But in all complete honesty, Martin fits them. Perfectly. Yeah I know no ones perfect but he's so close to it, its scary. He's more then just my boyfriend he's literally my bestfriend as well. My comfort, my happiness, my partner in crime, my reason to live. He's understanding, playful, funny, caring and more loving then anyone I've ever met. He's honestly a dream come true.
I consider myself very lucky everyday to be able to be blessed with his presence, lucky & blessed to be loved and cared for by him.. blessed to finally meet the someone who appreciates me & loves me for me. It's crazy, all the time I spent in class daydreaming and writing about how I wondered if anyone out there thought I was different, if anyone out there thought that I'd change their life... and all that time, the guy I was deaming about, waiting for and wishing for was behind me... sleeping ( and drooling ) in the very same class. The guy I use to draw flowers on and write stuff like "Hazel's cool" and constantly bother while he was sleeping in class is the guy I dreamed all my life about. Wow, amazing isn't it?
So when I think back to past relationships, I can't. Because I know, without a doubt that none of the relationships I've ever involved myself in could ever compare to what I have now. No one in the world could replace Martin, no one in the world could ever amount up to him and no one in this world could ever take his place. He's captured more then just my heart, more then just my soul.. he's captured all of me. Every single last bit of me. And I have no regrets. My heart, my soul, my body and myself belongs to him. That's the way it should me and that's the way it will always be....
Hazel: why do you put up with me?
Martin: I don't put up with her, I'm being there for her.