baby wont you rain on me </3 (insanex29) wrote,
baby wont you rain on me </3

from seventeen to eighteen..

I was inspired to write from reading "The Notebook". Because just like how she stopped painting, I stopped writing.. but unlike her, a blank sheet of paper is my canvas. So heres what I came up with....

At the age of seventeen, I got myself involved in a relationship I was far from satisfied with. At that point of my life, as far as relationships went I knew I wasn't the ideal girlfriend nor the did I try to be. I was a spirit craving to be free and hating being tied down. I knew I was unfair, selfish, a liar and if I cheated on you; it was your own damn fault. I lived not caring about anything but myself. But at the same time living in the fast lane, thinking that "living in the moment" was one of the ways to live life in its fullest.

Being trapped in a relationship with a psychotic little boy who didn't know how to treat a lady right took its toll on my self esteem, my ego and my whole entire emotional well being. I was unable to feel comfortable being myself around him, unable to share my inner deepest thoughts; unable to let my artistic side show because everything I said was "stupid" or "didn't make sense".

I was forced to isolate myself afraid that if I did something I wasn't suppose to be doing he'd go psycho and start another un-needed arguement with me, start accusing, start blaming and wouldn't stop until the break of dawn.

On my eighteenth birthday I accepted a proposal with a guy I barely knew. A proposal I regreted months after, a proposal I still and will always regret. It seemed as though our engagment didn't change a damn thing between us; there were still the late night arguements that last for hours that could have been easily avoided, the accusations, the assumptions... he continued to break me down because he knew he could without fear of me leaving since I had accepted something as serious as promising to spend my life with him.

Throughout those six months, I put up with pain, betrayel, lies, accusations and someone who strongly believed everything he did proved his "love" to me. A thousand times I knew this wasn't love, convinced he didn't know what he was talking about, and that I deserved better. A thousand times I tried to make it stop and things would only get worse that I had no choice but return and try to "deal with it".

Six months later and I couldn't take it anymore. I needed to build myself back up, I needed to search for what I did deserve, I needed to free myself before things got worse... so I ended it for good. And now, I sit here wishing I had done it sooner.. but thankful at the same time I didn't because it taught me a lot about how a relationship SHOULD be.

So thank you, you fuckin jackass. You taught me what love is NOT suppose to be like and you made me STRONGER.
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